New “Nightmare” Re-do: We are not impressed

So they’re remaking “Nightmare on Elm Street.”

First thing that pops into my mind is simply…why?

Then I remember…there’s money to be made in rehashing the ’80s. Silly me. I forgot that the “chosen ones” (i.e. the favored movie-going demographic) weren’t even born with the original “Nightmare” came out in 1984. These are audiences who think the “Saw” and “Hostel” series are the gold standard in horror movies (and I just shuddered as I wrote that).

Anyway. Remaking “Nightmare.” Good idea? Probably not. Mostly because they more than likely won’t do it right. They’ll hire hot actresses and actors to scream and flail around in blood, and some no-name to play Freddy (because I don’t think they’re going to bring Robert Englund back as Fred Krueger–their mistake) and they’ll say it’ll have a “dark tone,” which means the deaths will be excruciatingly gross and violent and try to outdo Eli Roth’s Grand Guignol wanna-bes.

And who is going to write this “re-imagining”? Wesley Strick.

What? You’ve never heard of Wesley Strick? Yeah, me neither. Apparently, though, the dude wrote “Wolf” and “Cape Fear,” along with a bunch of movies you’ve probably never seen. Personally, I intensely disliked “Cape Fear” and thought it was over-rated hooey (I mean, really…sucking Robert DeNiro’s finger is supposed to be erotic? Try unhygienic. Yuck.) and “Wolf” just bored the snot out of me. Jack Nicholson, no matter what role he’s playing, is always Jack Nicholson. It’s distracting.

But I digress. Will the “Nightmare” remake make money? Oh, yeah. It’ll  make a lot, just based on the fact that people will go see it just to bitch about it. Will it be as good or creepy as the original? My gut tells me no. Resoundingly no. Horror movies nowadays are too slick, too self-aware. Audiences know what’s coming.

I don’t envy Strick his position as screenwriter for this, because he’s got a big ol’ pair of shoes to fill. All I can say is that they’d damn well better keep the glove the same, or else they’ll have a mutiny on their hands.

“Watchmen”–Oh, God…YES!

If you haven’t watched this trailer at least five times by now, you’re not truly a comic geek and you should be ashamed of yourself. Seriously. Consider yourself shunned, Charlie.

And let me just add that Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the current imaginary love of my so-called life, is playing The Comedian (aka: the guy in the robe who goes flying out of a window). Wowza. So much pretty to look at.

The music is pretty amazing, too. Smashing Pumpkins. “The Beginning is the End is the Beginning.” At least something good came out of the cinematic abortion that was “Batman & Robin.” Batnips indeed.

Ah, comic books and graphic novels. How I love thee.

“2012″: Bend over and pucker up

I believe Whitley Strieber.

I do. I think he was abducted by aliens. I believe him.

As a writer, I have to admire his willingness to come right out and claim that he was abducted, with all the probing and prodding and public scorn that his admission entails. That takes some cojones. Of course, I tend to believe in aliens and all that jazz myself, so it’s not really such a leap of the imagination for me to think that he’s been touched by an alien.

That said, I’ve just read his newest book, 2012: The War for Souls and I was really impressed. The premise is a little hard to condense into a brief review such as this–parallel dimensions, alternate earths, aliens who want to break on through to the other side (i.e. OUR dimension)–but it gave me the type of book I’ve been craving for a long time: the alien invasion book.

As a sidenote: I love me some alien invasions. “War of the Worlds” is one of my favorite movies (1950s version and the Tom Cruise version…yeah, I said both). In my eyes, you can’t go wrong with ominous motherships hovering above cityscapes and beams of light floating cattle and rednecks into the sky. The problem is, there aren’t enough books that have that kind of plot. Aliens are always advanced and trying to save humanity from itself, or compassionate and caring “angels,” or supernaturally intelligent beings. Blah blah blah. I want aliens who come to Earth with cookbooks titled “To Serve Man.” I want rampaging, “Independence Day” aliens who don’t give two craps about humanity, except to wipe us out and/or serve us for brunch.

So right away I got into 2012. The alien invasion scenes are creepy. Really creepy. Don’t-wanna-go-outside-after-dark kind of creepy. My kind of book.

If you’re late to the conspiracy theory party, by the way, a lot of people believe that the world will end on December 21, 2012 because the Mayan calendar ends on that day. As for myself, eh…I dunno. It could end tomorrow for all we know, because the Schmuck Who Shall Not Be Named might decide to go out in a flame of glory rather than as a lame duck. It’s a crap shoot. I give credit to Strieber, however, for capitalizing on this fear and making a pretty damn good novel out of it.

Fully reviewing this book would mean giving away some plot twistiness, so I shan’t go there. This is just intended to be a half-assed review, anyway. The end of the book gets weird, so read closely to keep up. I would have liked more evil alien stuff, but that’s just me.

So final verdict: if you like aliens, read this book. And if you’re a cheap bastard, wait until late November, 2012, and check it out of your local library. You’ve got a 50/50 chance of not having to return it before your late fees kick in.

So three vampires walk into a bar…

The first vampire pulls up a stool and orders Virgin’s Blood, on the rocks.

The second vampire sits down and asks for a Blood and Tonic, hold the tonic.

The third vampire smiles and asks for a mug of hot water. The bartender frowns. “Hot water?”

“Yes,” the vampire says as he pulls a soggy tampon from his pocket. “I’m making tea.”

Welcome to my website. Now’s the time to bail out.

Still here? Great. My name’s Rebecca Brock and I’m a horror writer. And a librarian. But mostly a horror writer. And a romance writer. I just like to write, okay?

Blogging is something that I’ve flitted around for years. A misfire here, a failed attempt there. I couldn’t seem to get into it. Until I realized that I was writing about the wrong subject. Nobody wants to know about ME. Some bloggers have interesting lives. I don’t. I’m a librarian. We’re constitutionally bound to be boring.

So it hit me…I’ll write about what I love.: HORROR. Horror films. Horror novels. Horror writing. Alas, it is a love/hate relationship, because there is so much suckage in the world of horror that it’s becoming hard to remain faithful. So I’ll be ranting about that too.

I’ll write about the books and movies I love. Things that you should read and watch, if you’ve any sense in your head at all. If you don’t agree with me, that’s fine too. My tastes aren’t for everyone. (I’ll defend the film version of “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts’ Club Band” to the death!).

So if you’re still reading, welcome aboard. Go out and buy my book (“Abominations,” available at Amazon and other fine online reading establishments) and then come back. I’ll wait.