New “Nightmare” Re-do: We are not impressed

So they’re remaking “Nightmare on Elm Street.”

First thing that pops into my mind is simply…why?

Then I remember…there’s money to be made in rehashing the ’80s. Silly me. I forgot that the “chosen ones” (i.e. the favored movie-going demographic) weren’t even born with the original “Nightmare” came out in 1984. These are audiences who think the “Saw” and “Hostel” series are the gold standard in horror movies (and I just shuddered as I wrote that).

Anyway. Remaking “Nightmare.” Good idea? Probably not. Mostly because they more than likely won’t do it right. They’ll hire hot actresses and actors to scream and flail around in blood, and some no-name to play Freddy (because I don’t think they’re going to bring Robert Englund back as Fred Krueger–their mistake) and they’ll say it’ll have a “dark tone,” which means the deaths will be excruciatingly gross and violent and try to outdo Eli Roth’s Grand Guignol wanna-bes.

And who is going to write this “re-imagining”? Wesley Strick.

What? You’ve never heard of Wesley Strick? Yeah, me neither. Apparently, though, the dude wrote “Wolf” and “Cape Fear,” along with a bunch of movies you’ve probably never seen. Personally, I intensely disliked “Cape Fear” and thought it was over-rated hooey (I mean, really…sucking Robert DeNiro’s finger is supposed to be erotic? Try unhygienic. Yuck.) and “Wolf” just bored the snot out of me. Jack Nicholson, no matter what role he’s playing, is always Jack Nicholson. It’s distracting.

But I digress. Will the “Nightmare” remake make money? Oh, yeah. It’ll  make a lot, just based on the fact that people will go see it just to bitch about it. Will it be as good or creepy as the original? My gut tells me no. Resoundingly no. Horror movies nowadays are too slick, too self-aware. Audiences know what’s coming.

I don’t envy Strick his position as screenwriter for this, because he’s got a big ol’ pair of shoes to fill. All I can say is that they’d damn well better keep the glove the same, or else they’ll have a mutiny on their hands.